The Married Asshole →
Female Asshole: Carrie Bradshaw →
The Girls Guide to Assholes →
Awesome. Start reading.
Game of Thrones Update #2
Tyrion Lannister reminds me of Stewie Griffin (minus the football head).
Game of Thrones Update #1
Can’t seem to get past the breast feeding 8 year old.
I GIVE IN.
FINE I’ll start watching Game of Thrones. Are you happy?!?
West Coast 'Ships
Los Angeles is a frustrating city when it comes to relationships, romantic or otherwise. The lack of gray area in between those who couple up and those who refuse to settle down is virtually non-existent, because this is not the city for casual dating. Everything must be planned in advance. Transportation methods must be considered. A simple night out becomes a big to-do and spontaneity goes out...
What That REALLY Means Is...
Us = Women. You = Men ____________________________ Us: “Come over, I want to snuggle.” What that means is: “I have my period. You’re going to need to get over here, tell me I look pretty and give me a neck massage.” What that REALLY means is: “You’re not getting laid tonight so you should probably masturbate before you come over. Also, we’re...
I recently found this morphine-induced short essay I wrote a few years ago when I was trapped in hospital thanks to a bout of Kidney Stones while on a family vacation in Aspen. This is what happens when painkiller meets boredom: Outside it’s paradise. Blue skies that one usually only gets to see as a fantasy on the label of a plastic water bottle. Fluffy white...
Tales From A Country Club Bartender
Haiku from Behind the Bar: June 24, 2009 Bad temper tantrums Whiny annoying bullies: Country club members Mr. Farsat tells me today that an untrained monkey could fill my position at work. “How hard is it to do your job?” he then asks me. He picked an inopportune moment to pose such a question, as my arms are full of cases of beer so heavy that if Mr. Farsat tried to lift them...
SMASH is the preferred porn of musical theater kids. As a musical theater kid, I say… Thank you.
Sub Par Reality
A computer will not make fun of your outfit. It will not judge you based on your haircut, it will not laugh at your gray front tooth, and it will most certainly not force you to run up and down a soccer field during an asthma attack. At the age of 7, I discovered that a Gateway 2000 with a Windows 95 operating system had infinitely more redeemable qualities than...
Because Everyone Has Their Cartoon Crushes...
If you try to tell me you’ve never been attracted to an animated character, I’ll laugh in your face and call you a liar because everyone (man, woman, child, inanimate object) is attracted to Jessica Rabbit. So I’ve decided to take it even further with my Top 5 Cartoon Sexmachines. 5. Toki Wartooth The adorably dimwitted rhythm guitarist from...
A Girls Guide to Assholes
Girls love assholes. …Not the body part. In fact, stay far far away from there. I’m talking about “asshole” in layman’s terms: “An obnoxious, arrogant, self-centered male who women can’t seem to get enough of.” - Urbandictionary.com As much as we deny it, as much as we hate ourselves for it, as much as we tell ourselves that we will grow out of...
A Letter To The Golden Globes. By Harvey...
Dear Golden Globes, Thank you. You have made me truly embrace my God-complex. Omnipotence, if you will. Feigning humility just isn’t necessary anymore as I could not be less humbled if the Hollywood Foreign Press built a sacred golden shrine to me while simultaneously gargling my balls. However. Our little French winner neglected to acknowledge the Weinsteins in his gratitudes. A...
A Semi-Drunk Rant re: "WARRIOR".
This movie. Is superb. My emotions keep fluctuating from “screaming and jumping out of my seat with joy/relief” to “intensely having to remind myself that breathing is an option” to “wailing like a small child” and it renders me dumb and it makes my heart barf. And the fighting. Ohhhh the fighting. I’m about three drinks away from typing a...
When Doing Work at Work Is Not An Option
Gideon: I'm done. I've traded my ability to concentrate.
Me: For what?
Karate Kid Ain't Got Nothin' On Me
Once upon a time, I karate kicked a door down. You know those stories of the seemingly impossible feats that people are capable of in an emergency? The tales of fear-induced adrenaline pumping through the body in order to save a loved one? In 1982, in Lawrenceville, GA, a woman lifted a 1964 Chevrolet Impala from her son after it fell off the jacks that had held...
Legs. Or lackthereof.
I have found that the sprawling city of Los Angeles makes me forget that I have legs. Legs that can move. Legs that can be used as an actual method of transportation. The fact is, last night I had a splitting headache and could’ve really used some Tylenol PM to not only make my headache go away, but send me off to a blissful sleep: the kind of sleep in which I forget I have a...
5 Reasons Why Your New Years Resolutions are...
1. Exercising When I Want To Hang Out I get it. You want to get fit. You listened to the commercials of man-woman Jillian Michaels telling you that you want to get a body like hers (do you really?!). You want your clothes to fit better. You just want to FEEL GOOD. That’s all gravy. But come ON, people. Does this really mean that you have to go during prime hang-out time? “Can’t...
30 Day Song Challenge - Day 30
**This post is EXTREMELY delayed due to a charming bout of strep throat that prevented me from thinking, let alone sitting in front of a computer screen and typing coherent sentences. Day Thirty - Your Favorite Song This Time Last Year TAKE BACK THE CITY by Snow Patrol I don’t know if it’s because I was thriving in my new life in my old city of Los Angeles, the city I was born and...
30 Day Song Challenge - Day 29
Day Twenty Nine - A Song From Your Childhood MAH-NA MAH-NA by Mahna Mana and the Snowths (The Muppet Show) I literally, and I’m not joking, still get singing phone calls and lyrically nonsensical emails from my parents re: this song. Don’t believe me? Check out this gem: If you like this post, go see the new Muppets Movie. Well, you should actually just go see it regardless.
A Virgin Wedding Kiss
Aaaaaand I’ve become celibate.
30 Day Song Challenge - Day 28
Day Twenty Eight - A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty BECAUSE I GOT HIGH by Afroman This is an awkward question in the challenge. And the answer is pretty self explanatory.
30 Day Song Challenge - Day 27
Day Twenty Seven - A Song You Wish You Could Play KILLING IN THE NAME OF by Rage Against the Machine I’m determined to learn to play the bass, if only to pump out this song. First thing’s first. …I need a bass.
30 Day Song Challenge - Day 26
Day Twenty Six - A Song That You Can Play On An Instrument THE WAY IT IS by Bruce Hornsby Although these days I’m mainly guitar-oriented, I started out on the keys at a very young age and now whenever I sit down in front of a piano or keyboard, this is always the first thing I start playing; mostly because of muscle memory, and also because I love when people freak out because “OMG...
30 Day Song Challenge - Day 25
Day Twenty Five - A Song That Makes You Laugh MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS by Mr. Garrison (South Park) I think I cried laughing the first time I heard this. And the second time. And the third. And then I showed it to my dad, who had pretty much the same reaction.
30 Day Song Challenge - Day 24
Day Twenty Four - A Song You Want To Play At Your Funeral TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF by Teddy Thompson This is a morbid question so I choose not to elaborate, other than to post the lyrics to explain my choice: It’s time for us to part, Although it breaks my heart ‘Cause I love you I love you Take care of yourself, I love you.
My Dream Job
I’m currently on a conference call with Ghostface Killah. This is the best day of my life.
30 Day Song Challenge - Day 23
Day Twenty Three - A Song You Want To Play At Your Wedding FATHER & DAUGHTER by Paul Simon It’s impossible for me to choose the song I will dance to with my husband at my wedding until I know who my husband is going to be. The song has to fit both of us. Plus, I want to let him have a say in it. However, I’ve known since the first time I heard this song that it had to be...